Have you ever had those kind of fears where you feel like
you are disappearing?
The fear that you will disappear.
Not the kind you have when you are alone on a long winter
night and nobody has checked on you in a while.
But a different kind...when you have everything around you yet
you feel this hollowness inside of you. The hollowness of your disappearance that
has already taken a residence in your heart and mind.
You know it will happen but just don’t know when.
Like you are there, in the moment, a great moment,
surrounded by people you love and who love you back. You are all laughing and
cutting jokes at each other, cursing your exes making fun of each other’s exes and then laughing some more.
When you are sitting with them smoking your favorite Dunhill
Switch on a dhaaba where no one will judge you.
Like on a movie night with your cousins, when you all are
together after a long time for some cousin’s wedding, you all are teasing each
other, talking about crazy things you all did when you were young and
calling each other names you hated to be called as a kid.
And then it hits you.
Like a cold breeze that you can't avoid. it wrapps you.
The thought that you are going. You are disappearing and these people don’t know it. They can’t see it. But it is just you who gets to see this tiny illusion of the future where you know you are not there and all these people are crying for you.
You get stuck in that moment.
you lose your voice. you want to call out to them but you can't.because the vision is so strong, or maybe it is your love for the people whom you don't want to scare by telling about the vision. who knows?
you just become breathless, voiceless and cold.
You look at your people and smile and the next moment you
are crying inside of you and secretly wiping your tears because you are
scared that all this, these happy moments, these people, all this won't be on
the other side.
Suddenly you are not afraid of the emptiness- or as some call it “the void”, where you will be stuck for eternity after you are gone, but you are afraid that these tiny happy moments, in a long life of grievances and suffering, is what you will not have again.
You know it will happen but just don’t know when.
Your disappearance.
