BPD and all relationships.

I want to say to you. Pouring my heart out at this time. Telling you exactly how I feel. Hope you will understand.

I am not doing well. I am in my depression pit again. My head is on super sensitive mode. It won't shut. It won't let me sleep. Everything you say or do is having 10 times the effect on me.
Along with this ringing in my head. My mind tells me to run away from you but my heart makes me stay.

This morning when I woke up, my fear had become a reality. I woke up not loving you. Not feeling anything "special" for you. I was numb. You were just another human on this 7.53 billion population wala Earth.

I was answering you because we are programmed that way so that we don't seem rude.  But in all reality I wanted to scream and push you away. I wanted to say ugly things to you, I even wrote them to you but then I erased them, again to not be rude. I wanted to say nasty things to you and make you feel the pain of heartbreak, make you cry and make you crave for me.


But I didn't.

Know why?

Apart from the fear of losing you. I have begun to have this fear that you will not return if this time one of us leaves.

Giving up a dream

People always talk about how difficult it was was for them to achieve their dream. But noone ever talks about how difficult it is to give up on a dream.

I did.

And it is killing me.

So I took the biggest decision of my life and gave up on something that was a lifelong dream. For a person like me who has always believed in "fight" rather than "flight" when things go wrong, this letting go of my dream was, undoubtedly, the toughest thing i have ever done.

I don't know for how long this decision will continue to hurt me. Maybe I wake up in the morning and feel completely normal and continue to go with the flow that my life will become or maybe the scars of this wound will never heal for an eternity. I bet on the second one.

But each time that this pain will hurt again, each time the hollowness in my heart rises again, each time the memory of letting go of my dream, just when i had it, will come fresh. I will clench my fist and scratch my arms with my own nails. I will punch myself in the stomach. I will sob until my eyes bleed. I will scream at the top of my lungs. Just to make sure that I still feel it. I still want it.


All I wanted was a normal life.



17-February-2019.