BPD and all relationships.

I want to say to you. Pouring my heart out at this time. Telling you exactly how I feel. Hope you will understand.

I am not doing well. I am in my depression pit again. My head is on super sensitive mode. It won't shut. It won't let me sleep. Everything you say or do is having 10 times the effect on me.
Along with this ringing in my head. My mind tells me to run away from you but my heart makes me stay.

This morning when I woke up, my fear had become a reality. I woke up not loving you. Not feeling anything "special" for you. I was numb. You were just another human on this 7.53 billion population wala Earth.

I was answering you because we are programmed that way so that we don't seem rude.  But in all reality I wanted to scream and push you away. I wanted to say ugly things to you, I even wrote them to you but then I erased them, again to not be rude. I wanted to say nasty things to you and make you feel the pain of heartbreak, make you cry and make you crave for me.


But I didn't.

Know why?

Apart from the fear of losing you. I have begun to have this fear that you will not return if this time one of us leaves.