People always talk about how difficult it was was for them to achieve their dream. But noone ever talks about how difficult it is to give up on a dream.
I did.
And it is killing me.
So I took the biggest decision of my life and gave up on something that was a lifelong dream. For a person like me who has always believed in "fight" rather than "flight" when things go wrong, this letting go of my dream was, undoubtedly, the toughest thing i have ever done.
I don't know for how long this decision will continue to hurt me. Maybe I wake up in the morning and feel completely normal and continue to go with the flow that my life will become or maybe the scars of this wound will never heal for an eternity. I bet on the second one.
But each time that this pain will hurt again, each time the hollowness in my heart rises again, each time the memory of letting go of my dream, just when i had it, will come fresh. I will clench my fist and scratch my arms with my own nails. I will punch myself in the stomach. I will sob until my eyes bleed. I will scream at the top of my lungs. Just to make sure that I still feel it. I still want it.
All I wanted was a normal life.
17-February-2019.
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