I am loosing my memory.
That one thing I have always been proud of.

These medications they give me are blocking my thoughts to reach the far back of the memory lane, where all the grief is hidden.

I do remember somethings...


I remember the first time we met
But I don't remember how you made me feel.

My heart doesn't love you anymore but my brain doesn't let me think negative of you

And then suddenly,

My heart gives me reasons to love you
But my non-drugged brain kicks in and tells me "stop!"

There is a constant battle inside of me.
Unlike others, it is not of good or evil.
But of a dying heart, a drugged brain and scattered thoughts of a subconscious one.

I don't know who will win, all I know is that;


The heart remembers...it never forgets.

A MEMORY OF A LIFE

I remember my first day to school.
But, I don't remember surviving through it.

I remember those who brought me candies and took me outside.
But, I don't remember the pain of my mother beating me up

I remember the older cousin who held my hand when we all were playing hide and seek
But, I don't remember why he locked me with himself in the bathroom for his ulterior motives.

I remember I used to paint and sketch in the classrooms looking outside the window
But, I don't remember how to paint or sketch anymore.

I remember how we met.
But, I don't remember how you made me feel

I remember my first period. That I had become a "woman".
But, I don't remember the feeling of being imprisoned in my own house because of that

I remember the excitement of getting married.
But, I don't remember the pain of it not happening with you

I remember the joy of having my own place
But, I don't remember my voice screaming being domestically violated in it

I remember bleeding to death and waiting for you.
But, I don't remember if you ever came.

I met an angel

I was walking on a barren land, lost and sad
with no idea where to go or what to do
when I crashed into what I thought was a human
but later realized was an angel.
I met an angel.
He gave me his hand and I held it
he then took me to a garden
a garden full of flowers
a garden where every flower was different,
a garden where every flower was beautiful.
The angel told me I belonged in that garden.
The angel made me feel pretty about myself when the world always told me I am ugly,
the angel made me feel at peace after a life of chaos.
I came back from the garden
back to my crappy world
but I'll always be happy that I met an angel
an angel who had a beautiful garden.

It hurts...

It took you years and years to finally open up to someone. You gather the strength to tell them the happy stories of your childhood and some more strength to tell them your fears.
and the reason behind those fears.
You learn to hug to someone . You learn to sleep with them, never imgining that life, being the bitch that she is, will snatch them from you.

It hurts...

How sleepy you are after a long tiring day of taking your sick mother to hospitals or a long tiring day of looking for jobs and getting rejected. You know the moment you get in bed you'll sleep. But instead, you sit up till 7.00 a.m, wondering where it all went wrong.

It hurts...

When you are watching episodes from Big Bang Theory and laughing and enjoying, when it hits you, the thought, a sudden wave of nostalgia, you begin to miss them. Not only because the insensitive but cute Sheldon Cooper reminds you of them, but because something that the character said and it reminded you of them.

It hurts...

How a random scene from a drama/movie or even a reality can make you sit down holding to the edge of whatever you find and throw up.

It hurts...

How hours and hours of non-stop talking turned into days and days of fruitless waiting.

It hurts...

How "I'll get a home for us and you can have a library there" changed into "you'll have a home of your own, there one day to keep your books"

It hurts...

How being exclusive turned to "no tags, Please"

It hurts...

It is 3.00 a.m and you can't help shed a few years for them because you miss them and

It hurts...

You have to force yourself out of bed at 4.00 a.m and take a cold shower to stop thinking about them but only end up lying on the cold bathroom floor crying some more.

It hurts...

That you miss them but you can't tell anyone. Not even your friends because all they'd say would be "we warned you"

It hurts...

How you are someone's priority for so long and then wake up one day realizing you are not anymore.


It hurts, so so bad.

You don't talk

you don't talk

You like sitting in your silence, wandering into the nothings.
I keep asking you questions because I begin to miss your voice

But you don't talk

You like to stay hidden, at the same time you want me to figure you out.
I guess somethings of you and wait for your answer

But you don't talk

You are scared of being broken so you choose to stay intact
I try breaking those walls for a sound, a word

But you don't talk

You don't want to be left alone by others, so instead you choose to stay lonely
So, I do silly gestures to get your attention, that You do see

But you don't talk

You divert your gaze from nothingness to me and smile
as you see something that I couldn't ever in me

But again, you don't talk

You look at me, hold on to me, and I know that's what you want for eternity
And I want to hold you back, tightly, until all your fears leave you and evaporate in thin air
Until you believe that I will always hold you
Until you open up to me.

Oh the damage this world has done to you
I want to know how to fix it

But you don't talk.





4.00am thoughts - originally on 10th june, 2019

BPD and all relationships.

I want to say to you. Pouring my heart out at this time. Telling you exactly how I feel. Hope you will understand.

I am not doing well. I am in my depression pit again. My head is on super sensitive mode. It won't shut. It won't let me sleep. Everything you say or do is having 10 times the effect on me.
Along with this ringing in my head. My mind tells me to run away from you but my heart makes me stay.

This morning when I woke up, my fear had become a reality. I woke up not loving you. Not feeling anything "special" for you. I was numb. You were just another human on this 7.53 billion population wala Earth.

I was answering you because we are programmed that way so that we don't seem rude.  But in all reality I wanted to scream and push you away. I wanted to say ugly things to you, I even wrote them to you but then I erased them, again to not be rude. I wanted to say nasty things to you and make you feel the pain of heartbreak, make you cry and make you crave for me.


But I didn't.

Know why?

Apart from the fear of losing you. I have begun to have this fear that you will not return if this time one of us leaves.

Giving up a dream

People always talk about how difficult it was was for them to achieve their dream. But noone ever talks about how difficult it is to give up on a dream.

I did.

And it is killing me.

So I took the biggest decision of my life and gave up on something that was a lifelong dream. For a person like me who has always believed in "fight" rather than "flight" when things go wrong, this letting go of my dream was, undoubtedly, the toughest thing i have ever done.

I don't know for how long this decision will continue to hurt me. Maybe I wake up in the morning and feel completely normal and continue to go with the flow that my life will become or maybe the scars of this wound will never heal for an eternity. I bet on the second one.

But each time that this pain will hurt again, each time the hollowness in my heart rises again, each time the memory of letting go of my dream, just when i had it, will come fresh. I will clench my fist and scratch my arms with my own nails. I will punch myself in the stomach. I will sob until my eyes bleed. I will scream at the top of my lungs. Just to make sure that I still feel it. I still want it.


All I wanted was a normal life.



17-February-2019.